The Peculiar Case of Your Excellency, The Bulldozer

By Apaovie Osuamkpe

You will not hear it in the news, but politics in Nigeria is funny business. A game-of-thrones sequence that makes hypocrites out of sincere, well-meaning people. Pharisees on both ends of the political canvas, battling for a chunk of the National cake.

Here lies the peculiar case of the Executive ruler of the Oil State in the South, the basin of the Nation’s riches. A man of iron will, legally skilled and enlightened. Many, many years ago, he was first and foremost a bulldozer, before he ever became known as Your Excellency.

Your Excellency, the Bulldozer, ascended to the reins of power back in 2015, under the distinguished platform of the Umbrella Party. His mandate as ruler was short and simple, to “rescue the oil State from the shackles of the nascent Broom Party”. Something he would go on to ruthlessly accomplish. Apart from this goal, there was nothing left in his manifesto to display. Just the festoon of cobwebs and recycled vows.

For the good people of the indigenous clan, it didn’t matter; a brand new Messiah had forced his grand entry into the picture. Another godsend to outstretch the tenure of rulership bequeathed to them by the everlasting hands of time. 

The spoils of the entire land would be left strictly for this ruler and his kinsmen to disperse abroad. Where Jesus walked on water, he would erect flyover bridges for them to tread upon. Where Jesus fed five thousand disciples, he would give his own full-time salaries. Because to think of it, if that first multitude had been gainfully employed in civil service, they would have no business idling about the master’s feet, anxiously waiting to pluck freebies out of his pockets.

Every now and then, some pensioners of the Oil State would flock to the iron-wrought gates of his abode, seeking the odd pleasure of Your Excellency’s goodwill. My friend, go and tell those people I’m not around, he would grunt back at his orderlies from the balcony of his chateau. Afternoon whiskey in hand, he wrote the pensioners off like they were lepers begging for handouts; serfs not worthy to brush the lapel of his imported French suits, talk more of reaping the benefits of their thirty-five years of hard service. Those of them brave enough to murmur some kind of opposition, he penalised for talking nonsense.

Naysayers, particularly those in the tribe of the Broom Party, have capitalised on this to call Your Excellency all sorts of names. But those people have always been jealous from the start. Some of them were former friends of the Bulldozer who couldn’t see beyond the stretch of their noses. If they would humble themselves now, to tell the truth, the man has done well in the affairs of both the Umbrella Party and the entire State. 

Being able to cope with a legislative house that has been asleep the whole time is a key highlight of the Bulldozer’s caliber to start off with. It was his signature that brought equity into the matter of family inheritance which had sidelined women in the State. Nobody talks about it enough, because it doesn’t involve a hype band singing unceremoniously in the background. But tomorrow, when daughters enjoy the privilege of partaking in their fathers’ legacies alongside their brothers, it is the good name of Your Excellency that would forever be remembered. Not any one of the sleeping watchmen of the Assembly. 

When recently the same ruler, Your Excellency, the Bulldozer, applied his brazen tactics to repossess State assets in the mold of a private airplane hanger somewhere in Europe by a ruler past, a few tongues wagged suspicious at the gesture. Those who know how to cook their soup in controversy called the whole thing a political ruse. Just imagine the rubbish. So a prophet’s deeds can not be acknowledged in his own backyard?

It’s a good thing that at least, outside of the Oil State, those in the realm of power have been clever enough to label Your Excellency a man of charity; a voluntary crusader for the interests of the marginalised people of the South. It will profit them well because such claims bear no small accuracy. Was it not the ruler who fought tooth and nail to ensure a presidential ticket for the region by way of himself in the forthcoming elections? If it wasn’t for his cap-wearing brothers that spoilt his enterprise within the Umbrella Party, would he not have triumphed with flying colors? All Red, White, and Green of them?

These party people don’t even know anything. They are happy to sell their souls to relics that will eventually sink them into the ground. It’s unfortunate, they won’t recognize the true meaning of loyalty; that’s why they can open their mouths and call Your Excellency overzealous.

Thank God some wise men from the East, West, and North have come wooing, seeking allegiance with the Bulldozer before the dawn of elections. It is such visionary people that will benefit from the largesse of his impact.

The game will definitely change. But one thing is certain in our nationwide politics, only time can reveal who amongst us is deceiving whom. The spearheads of these notorious cabals will continue to grow old and cranky and die. The oppressors of Southern interests will eventually fall off like their ancestors before them. But, you see, Your Excellency, the Bulldozer, shall remain fashionable wherever the topic of designer suits is debated upon. Nobody can stop that.

I can imagine him growling to a crowd of his teeming disciples anytime soon – “They call us stubborn just because we opened our mouths to talk. But if they like, let them hit their heads on a wall, we will still eh…” I can also hear in my mind, the new 50,000 and other disciplines completing the sentence – “Talk!”

Apaovie Osuamkpe is an ELANHUB Columnist.